I Didn't Realize I Was Depressed Until I Did
- 5 days ago
- 8 min read
This blog post started as a generic weight loss post, but I realized quickly that I couldn't talk about my weight loss without talking about my depression journey. If you had asked me last year whether I was depressed, my answer would have been no. I knew I wasn't myself, but I hadn't been myself since my husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer in 2019. It wasn't until November of 2025 that I finally understood just how depressed I had been.
For those of you who have been here through the journey, you know how much I used to love writing about my life. I am an open book. My conscious Sun is in Gate 24 in Human Design, the Gate of Blessings, and it means I am literally designed to return to my experiences, process them deeply, and share what I find on the other side. Sharing my story is healing, and I share in hopes that my journey can remind someone else that they are not alone.
The writing stopped in 2023. I had been journaling privately to move energy, but posting felt exhausting. Who wants to hear about my chaos anymore? The people around me had compassion fatigue, and honestly, I was tired of talking about it, too.
For those of you who are new here, here is a condensed timeline of the last seven years of my life.
January 2019 — My husband (my fiancé at the time) was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer and was in the hospital fighting for his life. We almost lost him.
January 2020 — My husband went through another traumatic abdominal surgery. We almost lost him a second time.
March 2020 — The world shut down. After the medical chaos and financial devastation of 2019, we were completely depleted. Because I had been Billy's caretaker and neither of us had worked much that year, we didn't qualify for government financial support. We went from $80K in the bank to $100K in debt. Losing all of my DJ residencies made me feel like it was time to close that chapter of my career and move in a new direction.
July 2020 — My husband was hit with survivorship depression, and we almost didn't make it as a couple. This part of the journey nearly broke me, but we found healing and powered through like we always do.
October 2020 — A family member backed away from a partnership at the lowest point of my life. I had been groomed to believe that family shows up no matter what. This was my painful lesson that it had only ever been one-sided.
December 2021 — Things I can't discuss.
December 2021 – November 2022 — A situation I can't legally discuss publicly, but it almost destroyed me.
December 2022 — Things I can't discuss.
March 2023 — My husband ended up in the hospital again after a complication from a routine procedure. Had I not advocated for him, the story could have ended tragically. He was hospitalized and out of work for a month.
June 2024 — We finally got married after five years engaged. Life was getting better, but the financial chaos was still burying us. I thought I was coming out of my depression at this point, but the truth was, I was still deeply there.
December 2024 — My kids and I witnessed a pedestrian struck by a car. She didn't survive. It was horrific.
December 2024 — My grandmother passed. She was like a second mother to me. There was so much I didn't get to say. My heart was broken.
April 2025 — I saw a photo of myself on vacation with my kids and didn't recognize the woman in the picture. I was exhausted, depleted, and my body didn't feel healthy. I had gained 20 lbs. through Billy's cancer journey and another 5 lbs. after losing my grandmother.
May 2025 — I DJ'd an event that triggered me deeply, but my reaction was far more extreme than the situation called for. This is something I teach others: our bodies store our emotions. When a trigger occurs, the nervous system doesn't know whether we're back in the middle of the trauma or safely in the present. Billy's cancer journey, the fear, the helplessness, the grief, was still living inside me. It came out at an inappropriate time because I still had work to do around the trauma.
Trigger Warning: The following section contains a reference to sexual assault.
May 2025 — A person from my past reached out to make amends. They asked me what had happened on a certain evening because they had been so intoxicated they couldn't remember. They said that the way my energy felt during the night in question was something they had never forgotten. They wanted to apologize for sexually assaulting me. It was confirming and disorienting all at the same time. When it had happened, years ago, I had confided in people. The response I received made me feel like it didn't really matter, because I had previously been in a relationship with him. I was made to feel as though a sexual assault involving someone you had once been with wasn't that big of a deal. It is a very big deal. No consent is no consent.
May 2025 — My business coach asked me what would happen if I simply stopped pushing for a while. As a Manifestor in Human Design, my body requires periods of genuine rest. Burnout had hit me so hard I couldn't force my way through it anymore. I stopped stressing about the hustle and focused on being present with my kids and rebuilding my health. I reached out to a friend, Sarah, who does nutrition and wellness coaching, and slowly began finding myself again. I took the summer to enjoy my kids and not force life, but instead, live it.
October 2025 — Our rescue dog, Jitzy, passed suddenly. One moment she was on my lap, and the next she was gone. She was my velcro dog, and I hadn't realized how much love and comfort she gave me every single day until she wasn't there. This hit both Billy and me harder than we expected.
November 2025 — I finally filed for bankruptcy after five years of trying to pay down the $100K of debt that came with the cancer journey. The moment I did, it felt like a weight lifted off my chest. This is exactly what that system was designed for, and I only wish I had done it sooner.
December 2025 — This is when I didn't realize how depressed I was until I did. It hit me all at once. I had been crumbling at the beginning of 2025 without even seeing it. I hadn't been myself in years. It was like I looked in the mirror and finally started to see myself again.
Depression doesn't always look the way you expect it to. It can hide in the small things. For years I had been running on adrenaline, the caretaker, the sole provider, the mother to two young children who still needed me, while two older teenagers were at home figuring out their next steps. Depression can look like unwashed dishes piling up for days, texts left on read, hobbies that once lit you up gathering dust in the corner. It's the exhaustion that no amount of sleep can fix. The fog that makes even simple decisions feel impossible.
I didn't see it coming because I was living inside it. It wasn't a dramatic crash. It was a slow dimming. It was so gradual that I had adjusted to the dark without noticing the light had faded. When you get used to the dark, you forget what the light ever felt like. It took stepping back to realize that the way I had been feeling wasn't just a rough patch. It was something deeper. Something that had quietly taken root while I wasn't looking.
This winter, I have felt more like myself than I have in a very long time.
DJing fuels me. I love playing music for people, watching them dance and sing and let go. I love my other work too. I feel blessed that I get to do Reiki and coaching, helping people understand their nervous systems so they can live in the fullest expression of their energy. The difference now is that I get to do it while I am in the fullest expression of my own.
As a Manifestor aura type in Human Design, my energy works in surges. I hadn't felt a true surge in so long. I was forcing. Existing. And the people around me could feel it. This blog post is proof that my surges are returning. There is no forcing in writing this. It is just pouring out of me.
My physical health is coming back, too. I'm down 14 lbs. (no shot, and no judgment for anyone who has gone that route — I simply know it isn't right for me, given my history with disordered eating and addictive behavior). I am so grateful for Sarah McMahon of Sarah Lynn Wellness and Dr. Singer of Park City Gynecology. Dr. Singer has helped me understand my body as I age, and we're continuing to monitor my hormones and support what I need in this next chapter of life.
And Sarah…she has been a genuine angel. I had been working with her so she could understand her Human Design, and I loved hearing what she was building for her business. When I saw that photo of myself, I texted her and asked if she could help. I needed someone who would understand that consistency, for a Manifestor, doesn't look the same week to week. And the crazy schedule with my kids adds another layer of beautiful chaos. She has met me exactly where I am. She helped me fuel my body in a way that supports my energy, and I am eating more than ever while still losing weight. I'm not forcing workouts. I'm listening to my body and moving only when I have genuine energy for it. The goal is no longer about losing all the weight.
It's about doing what feels good and trusting that the rest will follow.
Consistency looks different to everyone, and some of us are not meant to be consistent in traditional standards. I needed a coach who was willing to respect this. Sarah not only respects it but supports it in ways that have helped me permit myself to listen 100% to my body’s needs.
I am starting to see my glow again.
I have more energy for my kids. DJing this winter has been one of the most fun seasons I've had in years…not because I have to, but because I genuinely love it. People are noticing. They're commenting on my energy, and feeling seen in that way is something I didn't realize I had missed.
It is a wild thing to look back at everything my family and I have walked through over the last seven years. I was barely holding on, and for a long time, I didn't even know it.
But I made it through the dark. And I remembered what the light feels like.
If you are in the middle of your dark right now, please hear this: you don't have to have it all figured out. You don't have to push through every single time. Sometimes the most courageous thing you can do is stop, be still, and let yourself be found again. The light doesn't leave you. It waits until you are ready to find it again.
I am living proof that it waits.
— Amanda
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible. She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings." — Ariana Dancu
