Hell or High Water?

Two days ago, was the anniversary of the night that changed our family’s lives. So much has happened in the last 6 years.  When I started to write this post two days ago, I found myself getting angry. You see the celebration piece, that piece that we should celebrate and thank God that we get to, is the fact that Billy beat Stage 4 Colon Cancer. I have immense gratitude that he is still on this Earth with us. He almost died twice within a year, the first time in January 2019, the second time in January 2020, and that entire year while he was fighting for his life, knowing it was a 15% survival rate for Stage 4 cancer.

What people don’t understand is the cancer journey does not end with the person getting their first cancer-free screening, it is a process that changes the family forever emotionally, physically, and financially. Sometimes I think about everything I balanced that year, and I have no idea how I did it.

Have you heard the song from Twister, Hell or High Water by Bailey Zimmerman? These lyrics always hit me like a ton of bricks every time I hear it.

“Is this as bad as it gets or is it gonna get better?

Is this some kind of test, or will it be like this forever?'

Cause I ain't ever seen a cloud this dark

And I ain't ever been down this far

Is this as bad as it gets or is it gonna get better?

I know it ain't gonna be no easy ride

And what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

But I'm running outta places I can hide

And every day, it's like the nights get longer

When I close my eyes, yeah, the waves get higher

And the flames get hotter

So I'm asking myself 'cause I can't tell

If this is hell or just high water”

(link to the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4HVjZyaQV4)

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

When I think about 2019, I am proud of that woman. She showed up and dealt with so many things that were thrown at her. Some of the things I heard along the journey, starting with the first night in the ER, from a doctor who did a scan for stomach pain. “He has cancer and a 98% blockage of his large intestine. I cannot let you leave the hospital because he could die.” I didn’t even know a DR. could say it was Cancer without more tests.

After the first emergency colorectal surgery. “This is worse than we thought, the cancer spread, we have to do another major surgery in a few days.” He ended up needing a Whipple procedure which was a major stomach reconstruction surgery.

A few days later after the Whipple procedure; “He has internal bleeding, but he can’t handle another surgery right now, so we are going to keep giving him blood transfusions and hope it stops on its own. Do you understand a code blue? If we must rush him to surgery, it will be a last-ditch effort to save him.”

First meeting with an oncologist a month later; “He has stage 4 cancer. If we start chemo on the feeding tube he will die. If we wait too long to start chemo we are losing time. Try to get him off the feeding tube and return in 6 weeks.” .... and so many more examples that I could go through but you get the gist of the energy.

I remember after getting the kids and Billy to bed every night, I would just sit on the couch and cry. How was I going to do it all? How was I going to be a mom? How would I pay the bills, and be a caregiver? Would he live?

I did what I had to do.

I did my best.

I still do today.

There are so many other pieces of the story and so many other things that happened between 2019 and where we are today, that have defined who we are as a couple and a family. There are still so many stresses that stem from the Cancer journey.

Financially we are still buried under debt, and we do what we can to slowly dig out of it.

We still both deal with the stress that comes with scans and the complications that can come from the procedures needed to keep him healthy.

Survivorship depression and the effects of the emotional turmoil on our kids, is something we still must actively navigate. As far as the kids, we have no idea how it will play out in their lives moving forward, all we can do is be here to support their journey.  As the caretaker, you get the Cancer Free diagnosis, and your body says I can breathe again and wants to celebrate the win. For some cancer patients, this is just the beginning of a long journey of learning who they are now. Their bodies feel totally different. They must live with the idea that the cancer could come back. They are a totally different person, post cancer, than they were before cancer. And so is the entire family…..

I wish more people talked about survivorship depression. We have been a long journey back to learning who we are as a couple that has walked through Cancer together. Neither of us the same people as we were before we walked in those ER doors 6 years ago.

There is an exhaustion that comes from trying to tread water while trying to balance it all, still feeling like at any moment, if I drop one piece it will all come crumbling down.

 My biggest lesson through all our journey is that you must feel to heal. There is no way to skip ALL the emotions that come up during times of crisis. And you must be willing to let everyone around you have their experience and move the emotions they need to when they come up. It is a continued process that has no timeline.

We were in high water. The water is still high and we do take two steps back to take one forward at times but he is here and for that I have gratitude. I also get to be gentle with myself and not gaslight the fact that although our outcome was the best positive outcome, it is still so HARD and we have all been to HELL and back. Each person in our family has to have their own journey with what happened during those years and how they choose to use the energy that came from it.

Let this be a reminder that you get to feel. You get to grieve and process past experiences whenever they come up. You get to live in a duality of being filled with so much gratitude while also feeling heavy due to what you went through. You get to be human and embrace your human emotions.

As far as Billy and I, I am so thankful that we have supported each other through our humanness while trying to learn who we are now. Love is powerful. If you both show up and do the work, you can navigate anything together. - ❤️ Amanda